Grieving a Flawed Hero
It was impossible not to be shocked and saddened when the news broke about Kobe Bryant's death yesterday. I'm not a sports fan by any measure, but of course I know who Kobe is. He's a legend. He's a hero. He's a mentor. He's a father. He's a husband. And he was probably a rapist.
I was on Twitter when the story leaked, and I have never before seen Twitter so collectively devastated. Every post in my feed was about Kobe. The shock, the denial, the anguish for his wife and kids - the posts were full of raw human emotion. And I felt them. It was impossible not to. Personally, my life doesn't look any different with or without Kobe in it, but for millions of other people it probably felt like a punch in the gut. It reminded me of how I felt when David Bowie died. I had to cancel plans that day because I needed to drink, cry, and listen to "Oh! You Pretty Things" on repeat. David Bowie was also a rapist (consensual but underage).
Of course, the internet being what it is led to a number of people feeling that it was necessary to remind everyone that Kobe raped someone 17 years ago on the same day that he and his daughter died.
These tweets were posted under the guise that they're being supportive of the victim and to be super sure that no one ever forgets that this happened. This has been met with a lot of anger from those in mourning, and is resulting in predictable bickering about what's "appropriate" in this situation.
How does one properly mourn the loss of a person who is both a legend and a rapist? Are we allowed to express our sadness without explicitly acknowledging his past sins? As a rape survivor, I have thoughts on this.
I was raped 22 years ago by someone I was casually seeing. We lost touch after he raped me (I dunno why lol), and it wasn't until the #MeToo movement that I decided to look him up to see what kind of garbage life he ended up having. I was surprised to find out that his life was not garbage, at least from an outsider's perspective. He ended up marrying an Episcopalian reverend, has a young daughter, a career (in my industry), and still makes fucking mixed tapes (I shouldn't complain - I might not know Joy Division otherwise). Oh, and he has more Twitter followers than me. That hurt the most, obvs.
At the time, this was difficult information to take in. How dare he have a happy and successful life after committing such a horrible act? I got very close to considering publicly outing him because I wanted him to have some kind of repercussion for what he did to me. What stopped me? Among other things, the realization of how badly this would hurt his wife and daughter. How it would hurt so many people who aren't responsible for my pain.
It sucks that my rapist got away with it. It sucks that most guys get away with it. But one thing I have to remember that just as my rape is one small part of me, the same is true for my rapist. The same is true for Kobe. We are all so much more than even our biggest mistakes and regrets. Does all the good Kobe did in his life make up for raping someone? Of course not. Can we acknowledge all the good he did despite his dark past? Of course we can.
I've spent the day trying to put myself in the shoes of Kobe's victim. If my rapist died, would I want strangers posting about my rape to show "support"? DEAR GOD, NO. I find these posts to be self-serving and opportunistic. It assumes that:
1. The victim needs the internet's support
2. The victim is having a hard time
3. The victim somehow feels better seeing Twitter talk about it
I know exactly nothing about Kobe's victim, except that a horrible thing happened to her 17 years ago. I hope she has recovered from that trauma and is leading a good life. Her rape happened 5 years after mine, and while these wounds are slow to heal, they do heal. I can't imagine reading tweets like the above and actually believing they're more about supporting me than they are demonizing Kobe. I would feel used. I would feel disrespected. I would wonder why everyone is yelling about my pain after my rapist died. After he had been permanently canceled. The people posting these tweets think it's more important for Kobe the rapist to be the focus of his death rather than Kobe the person, despite how painful it may be for his family, friends, and fans. Additionally, they're shaming the people who are grieving (is grief-shaming a thing?), and telling them they're not entitled to their grief. They're transferring their anger towards Kobe to the people who loved Kobe. That's shitty.
Kobe won't escape his past in death. The rape will forever be part of his legacy, and I would expect it to be included in any biography written or documentary made about him. It is part of him. But it's not all of him.
It is kinder to literally everyone to let people grieve without forcing the narrative to change to the very narrow view you have of the deceased.
I was on Twitter when the story leaked, and I have never before seen Twitter so collectively devastated. Every post in my feed was about Kobe. The shock, the denial, the anguish for his wife and kids - the posts were full of raw human emotion. And I felt them. It was impossible not to. Personally, my life doesn't look any different with or without Kobe in it, but for millions of other people it probably felt like a punch in the gut. It reminded me of how I felt when David Bowie died. I had to cancel plans that day because I needed to drink, cry, and listen to "Oh! You Pretty Things" on repeat. David Bowie was also a rapist (consensual but underage).
Of course, the internet being what it is led to a number of people feeling that it was necessary to remind everyone that Kobe raped someone 17 years ago on the same day that he and his daughter died.
These tweets were posted under the guise that they're being supportive of the victim and to be super sure that no one ever forgets that this happened. This has been met with a lot of anger from those in mourning, and is resulting in predictable bickering about what's "appropriate" in this situation.
How does one properly mourn the loss of a person who is both a legend and a rapist? Are we allowed to express our sadness without explicitly acknowledging his past sins? As a rape survivor, I have thoughts on this.
I was raped 22 years ago by someone I was casually seeing. We lost touch after he raped me (I dunno why lol), and it wasn't until the #MeToo movement that I decided to look him up to see what kind of garbage life he ended up having. I was surprised to find out that his life was not garbage, at least from an outsider's perspective. He ended up marrying an Episcopalian reverend, has a young daughter, a career (in my industry), and still makes fucking mixed tapes (I shouldn't complain - I might not know Joy Division otherwise). Oh, and he has more Twitter followers than me. That hurt the most, obvs.
At the time, this was difficult information to take in. How dare he have a happy and successful life after committing such a horrible act? I got very close to considering publicly outing him because I wanted him to have some kind of repercussion for what he did to me. What stopped me? Among other things, the realization of how badly this would hurt his wife and daughter. How it would hurt so many people who aren't responsible for my pain.
It sucks that my rapist got away with it. It sucks that most guys get away with it. But one thing I have to remember that just as my rape is one small part of me, the same is true for my rapist. The same is true for Kobe. We are all so much more than even our biggest mistakes and regrets. Does all the good Kobe did in his life make up for raping someone? Of course not. Can we acknowledge all the good he did despite his dark past? Of course we can.
I've spent the day trying to put myself in the shoes of Kobe's victim. If my rapist died, would I want strangers posting about my rape to show "support"? DEAR GOD, NO. I find these posts to be self-serving and opportunistic. It assumes that:
1. The victim needs the internet's support
2. The victim is having a hard time
3. The victim somehow feels better seeing Twitter talk about it
I know exactly nothing about Kobe's victim, except that a horrible thing happened to her 17 years ago. I hope she has recovered from that trauma and is leading a good life. Her rape happened 5 years after mine, and while these wounds are slow to heal, they do heal. I can't imagine reading tweets like the above and actually believing they're more about supporting me than they are demonizing Kobe. I would feel used. I would feel disrespected. I would wonder why everyone is yelling about my pain after my rapist died. After he had been permanently canceled. The people posting these tweets think it's more important for Kobe the rapist to be the focus of his death rather than Kobe the person, despite how painful it may be for his family, friends, and fans. Additionally, they're shaming the people who are grieving (is grief-shaming a thing?), and telling them they're not entitled to their grief. They're transferring their anger towards Kobe to the people who loved Kobe. That's shitty.
Kobe won't escape his past in death. The rape will forever be part of his legacy, and I would expect it to be included in any biography written or documentary made about him. It is part of him. But it's not all of him.
It is kinder to literally everyone to let people grieve without forcing the narrative to change to the very narrow view you have of the deceased.
Comments
Post a Comment